Catch-Up Part 2: Tony Horton is my New Boyfriend

It is only fair to write this blog right after completing the P90X Plyometrics workout which is said to put the X in P90X. My feet are pounding and I can’t feel my leg muscles. Thank goodness for the warm hum of my laptop battery to keep my quads from slapping me in the face. When I last left my loyal readers (because yes they are already loyal), Nacho Libre had told me he liked me just the way I was. Of course, my fat ass took that as, “Sure, Mel…keep eating McDonalds and an entire Papa John’s pizza about 25 times a week, he’ll never notice an extra 10lbs.” (He didn’t, but you need to go back to Catch-Up #1 to understand Nacho Libre and his cluelessness) Well now that I had woken from the Nacho Libre Man Coma, and we were no longer dating, I found myself about 30lbs overweight and miserably undesirable. Not kidding, my face looked like it had been pounded in with a frying pan and rounded out with extra pieces of fatty cheeks. Yum! Well, not totally…I was still getting plenty of action, but I decided to set my goals a little higher than usual. (The sleeper cell is always god sent…stay tuned for an entry on the sleeper cell)

Before I continue with my relationship with Tony, in case you don’t know, he is the creator of P90X, the most horrid form of torture for human beings that has ever been invented. If I’m not mistaken, it’s what they use in Guantanamo Bay on the terrorist prisoners (are they even there anymore?). Of course Mel can’t pick a normal workout, like going to the gym and jumping on the treadmill for 45 minutes. Everything has to be hardcore.

My hooking up with Tony though, had nothing to do with maybe making myself a bit more of a catch for a good guy. (Bullsh!t, but I’ll tell myself that until I meet someone) I decided to trick myself into thinking that this wasn’t about weight or about conforming with the 99.9999% anorexic and plasticly enhanced Miami population. I’m way too proud and much to cool to have to be skinny, but Mel was going to get “healthy”. You know what they say right, “it’s harder to stay fit and keep off the weight once you start getting older.” I’m almost 30, it was time to get off my ass and “change my lifestyle”. Fast forward two months…I’ve never hated 29 more in my entire life! This is torture for me!! I love to drink and smoke. I like to party as many nights a week as possible. However, if I did this, (and I learned the hard way) Tony Horton leaves me worshiping the porcelain God instead of feeling good and energized! So I self-grounded myself into going out only one night of the week. (For the record, 2 months later, and this has proven fruitless. I have NO self control.)

2 Weeks Later…it’s now 12/29/09…

Still no sleeper cell…I had dropped about 10lbs of the excess 30 that I started off with…but of course the holidays have come and are almost gone and me and Tony have decided to take some time apart to work out some of our differences. So I don’t know if I’ve gained any back and I don’t think I’ll be looking at the scale any time soon! I plan on getting back on the wagon on January 4th. I did however get a new haircut today…maybe I dropped a pound there? Fingers crossed…

Stay tuned for the sleeper cell entry…ladies…you will want to take notes.