Unicorns: The Magical and Mystical Creatures That Can Never Be Caught

So I know I had said in my last post that I would be writing about the sleeper cell, but this weekend’s occurrences warranted a post about the Unicorn. What you might ask, do I mean by “Unicorn”? It’s that person at the bar, whether guy or girl, that EVERYONE is interested in. Usually this person will stand out because they are so tremendously good looking that you have to stare. It’s hard to lose them in the crowd because after 5 minutes you’ve memorized what they look like, what they’re wearing, who they are there with, and what they are drinking. You know, just in case you bump into them at the bar and want to offer to buy them a drink? Oh and the only people they will ever talk to, are the other Unicorns at the bar and you’re hopes of getting to know that hottie are usually frivolous and pathetic. Well, this past Friday, Mel managed to land the Unicorn. I will admit that it was out of pure coincidence and not because of my extraordinary good looks or my mastery in the art of the pickup game. But low and behold I arrive at the bar and this is the first guy that me and all 4 of my girlfriends spot. Of course, since I was the least shy out of all of us, Pegasus was automatically identified as an ideal conquest for me. I took on this challenge although I must admit I was a bit intimidated and felt like he was totally out of my league. I mean, come on, even I know my place in the pretty people totem pole of Miami.
So I start the Unicorn dance of love. My first step is to do the “across the bar eye contact/smile” move. That goes poorly since I’m obviously not a Unicorn myself and of course Pegasus hasn’t noticed me so I try my next move. The “bar is too crowded so I need to walk super close to you to get by” move. Usually this is a good way to get eye contact with the person and hopefully break the ice and start a conversation. Pegasus is clueless and doesn’t notice me walking by or purposely bumping into him. The night continues to progress and I’ve already noticed that he’s only interested in other Unicorns in the bar and I’ve started to admit defeat when I all of a sudden notice that his friend is talking to some other friends of mine from kickball. Woot!!!!! I’m in!!!!! Score!! I immediately go say hello to my kickball friends. Pegasus finally comes up to us after getting a drink at the bar and I introduce myself. Fortunately there was something to talk about since we all had kickball and flag football as a common topic. However, slowly but surely, Pegasus goes from unicorn to race horse. He’s kind of dumb and his teeth are not at all what I’d sign up for, even if I was living in the UK. I now start to realize why Sea Biscuit is still single. The playing field has started to level out and actually tip over in my favor. My girlfriends are practically squealing with pride while they’re trying to eavesdrop on what we’re talking about. (They still haven’t realized that Pegasus has now transformed into Sea Biscuit.) However, by this point I’ve had enough beer that when my friends decide to leave and he asks me to stick around, I decide to do him the favor.
To make a much longer story, short…I continued to hang out with Sea Biscuit for the rest of the evening and we ended up talking into the wee hours of the morning. I got to see his place, he serenaded me with his guitar (God he was really bad), we bonded over ex stories, did some making out and at the end of it all, as I was driving home, I realized that Pegasus was indeed Mr. Ed and that unicorns are indeed mystical and magical creatures that are overrated and get more attention than they really deserve. It’s all in your head, people. So next time you see a Unicorn and you feel that unattainable desire to make the conquest, bide your time and wait around for the incognito stallion or check your contact lenses prescription because it may be time to go back to the eye doctor.