S-M-U-A-C-K!!!!!!!!!

I know I know I suck but I’m back with more stories than ever. While I’ve been gone I decided to try online dating. If you’ve never done it and are single, it’s so worth it and so much fun. If you’ve done it before and had a bad experience, you should be doing what I’m doing and writing about it. A lot of my stories in the next few blogs will be about my dates…but you’re gonna love them!!!

Disclaimer: I will be going to hell for writing this entry.

Match.com being the wonderful site that it is, allows me to cross paths with the Italian Colt, cause he’s really not a stallion. But I digress…the guy’s been in the US for 4 months and is doing his international MBA at FIU. Bad choice but hey that’s none of my business. Anyway…he starts out emailing me a dissertation on his life (see below) and rather than have to answer all this crap I just send him my number and pray his text messaging skills are better than his email skills….I was in for a treat.

Italian Colt:

RE: Knock Knock, there is anybody alive out there?

Hi Mel,
thanks for the welcome!!! It has been great to live Halloween in US, it was my first experiennce. In Italy we copy from this holiday, just and excuse to have masked party and for the kids to have their treat o treating!!! For our today is national holiday, 'everysaints'....

But here in US Halloween is crazy, the kids (and thei parents...) are cute, really cute!!!!! I spent a lot of money for their treat or treating, eh eh; so sweet and beautiful. Miami was crazy saturday night, i crossed Miami Beach and it was amazing!!!! You love this celebration, and i think i will love too soon :-)

You are the Halloween's owner all around the world we just copy; the copyright is yours...

I chose Miami and the IMBA at FIU to have the chance the meet a beautiful smile like yours..., eheh! Mission accomplished, or almost... eheh! Good job Lory...

Eh eh, the MBA is as step to find here a job oopportunity in some yours sport's asscociation (my dream is the NBA), i can have some connesction with the HEAT (mahybe also for a intnership on May..); i have always worked in sport's environment in Italy. Because cameback to study (very very hard job!!!, work is ten thousand time better...)i was working in Italy in a Communication Area of a University Sport's Organization, a Basketball Manager and a sport writer.

Sport is my life so far and i hope it will be forever, after a bachelor in communication (many years ago..., sob!!!!) i had a Master in Sport's Management and ......

And you??


Good Afternoon beautiful smile,

also from a friend of mine....

I hope to have soon your news :-) I am not a big utizator of Match.com (the reason i m here is very fun.., i will tell you...).

WTF? Was that English? Please please be better at texting!!!!! The week following this email…he texted me to stay hard, that he lived in my condom (he lives in my condo complex), tells me that the horoscope for the day is rainy, and he sent a virtual text kiss (which he so endearingly did like this S-M-U-A-C-K!!!!) to my forehead…not me. But still I agree to go on a date with the Italian Colt. Why you ask? Because that’s the funniest sh!t I’ve gotten from a guy in a long time!

He meets me on Lincoln Road and we start to walk to Rosinella’s because I love that place and I figured I’d take an Italian guy somewhere where he would feel comfortable and at home. We arrive at Rosinella’s and much to my appetite's dismay, he is not happy…“Malisa! No Italian food, I cooke dat for ju!” Alright Italian Colt, let’s go somewhere else. So we get to Nexxt Café and sit down at a perfect people watching table right at the edge. I of course sit with my view to Lincoln Road for added entertainment in case I start to get bored. Anyway, in the ordering process which took 45 minutes because the f*cking guy wouldn’t shut up and look at the menu, he told me why he doesn’t eat shrimp. Apparently, Italian Colt got salmonella poisoning in Singapore and has bowel issues…had some of his intestines removed…got hepatitis as a result and lost like 80lbs. I promptly changed what I was going to order once he finished telling me the story, my appetite just wasn’t the same anymore. He then proceeds to order a jambalaya that was so spicy he couldn’t eat it without having sips of water in between. Really, Italian Colt? Won't your sensitive intestines suffer with all that spicy goodness? Thankfully I had already made up my mind he was walking me to my door and not a step further.

Dinner conversation topics included but were not limited to his father’s infidelity, more bowel issues, inability to make career decisions, hatred for his sister in-law, and his ex girlfriend whom I still think he’s in love with.

About an hour into him talking…I start to yawn…uncontrollably.

About an hour a half into dinner I’ve had two glasses of wine and I’m starting to think there is chemistry.

15 minutes after that, the wine is wearing off again and I realize I was kidding myself.

2 hours of him talking (because I barely got a word in the entire time) I start to yawn again.

Thankfully he finally got the picture that I was tired and bored and he tells me, “Dose beautiful ice want da bed! Let’s go!” Ok, Italian Colt…(Mel in her mind, “Thank you, little baby Jesus”)

On the way to meet me, Italian Colt had texted me that when we got back to the apartment condom…he he he…that I needed to come up to his place because he had something for me.

We get back to the apartment complex and I go into his apartment and he tells me to turn around and close my eyes. When I open them, he’s handed me a Winn Dixie shopping bag with some stuff in it. I open the bag and thrown in this little care package is a package of penne pasta, a can of Parmesan cheese, and a bag of risotto rice. I feign gratitude and excitement and promptly start fake yawning this time.

He walked me home which was a total of 10 steps…I’m officially going to be stalked now.

He hasn’t stopped texting me since. I think he’s in love. I may go out with him again.

Mel’s Blog is Back!!!!!!

Unicorns: The Magical and Mystical Creatures That Can Never Be Caught

So I know I had said in my last post that I would be writing about the sleeper cell, but this weekend’s occurrences warranted a post about the Unicorn. What you might ask, do I mean by “Unicorn”? It’s that person at the bar, whether guy or girl, that EVERYONE is interested in. Usually this person will stand out because they are so tremendously good looking that you have to stare. It’s hard to lose them in the crowd because after 5 minutes you’ve memorized what they look like, what they’re wearing, who they are there with, and what they are drinking. You know, just in case you bump into them at the bar and want to offer to buy them a drink? Oh and the only people they will ever talk to, are the other Unicorns at the bar and you’re hopes of getting to know that hottie are usually frivolous and pathetic. Well, this past Friday, Mel managed to land the Unicorn. I will admit that it was out of pure coincidence and not because of my extraordinary good looks or my mastery in the art of the pickup game. But low and behold I arrive at the bar and this is the first guy that me and all 4 of my girlfriends spot. Of course, since I was the least shy out of all of us, Pegasus was automatically identified as an ideal conquest for me. I took on this challenge although I must admit I was a bit intimidated and felt like he was totally out of my league. I mean, come on, even I know my place in the pretty people totem pole of Miami.
So I start the Unicorn dance of love. My first step is to do the “across the bar eye contact/smile” move. That goes poorly since I’m obviously not a Unicorn myself and of course Pegasus hasn’t noticed me so I try my next move. The “bar is too crowded so I need to walk super close to you to get by” move. Usually this is a good way to get eye contact with the person and hopefully break the ice and start a conversation. Pegasus is clueless and doesn’t notice me walking by or purposely bumping into him. The night continues to progress and I’ve already noticed that he’s only interested in other Unicorns in the bar and I’ve started to admit defeat when I all of a sudden notice that his friend is talking to some other friends of mine from kickball. Woot!!!!! I’m in!!!!! Score!! I immediately go say hello to my kickball friends. Pegasus finally comes up to us after getting a drink at the bar and I introduce myself. Fortunately there was something to talk about since we all had kickball and flag football as a common topic. However, slowly but surely, Pegasus goes from unicorn to race horse. He’s kind of dumb and his teeth are not at all what I’d sign up for, even if I was living in the UK. I now start to realize why Sea Biscuit is still single. The playing field has started to level out and actually tip over in my favor. My girlfriends are practically squealing with pride while they’re trying to eavesdrop on what we’re talking about. (They still haven’t realized that Pegasus has now transformed into Sea Biscuit.) However, by this point I’ve had enough beer that when my friends decide to leave and he asks me to stick around, I decide to do him the favor.
To make a much longer story, short…I continued to hang out with Sea Biscuit for the rest of the evening and we ended up talking into the wee hours of the morning. I got to see his place, he serenaded me with his guitar (God he was really bad), we bonded over ex stories, did some making out and at the end of it all, as I was driving home, I realized that Pegasus was indeed Mr. Ed and that unicorns are indeed mystical and magical creatures that are overrated and get more attention than they really deserve. It’s all in your head, people. So next time you see a Unicorn and you feel that unattainable desire to make the conquest, bide your time and wait around for the incognito stallion or check your contact lenses prescription because it may be time to go back to the eye doctor.